your general concept is very good. it fits with the indie genre of music video very well by being performance based. we also liked the editing techniques you have described and we think they will look very effective.
your research into location is very good. the choice of using a desolate building for the setting is a very good idea.
there isn't much about other similar videos. the one you have chosen is good but more indie videos would also be good.
maybe put more pictures of indie styled clothing.
you could put a post with your reaction to the feedback you recieved for your pitch, saying whether you will change anything due to peoples comments.
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